Red hot or red flag?
Test your relationship
In an intimate relationship, we deserve to feel appreciated and supported, just as our partner deserves the same from us. Sexual coercion within relationships tends to be part of a pattern of controlling behaviours. To protect yourself and your partner, whatever your respective sexes and genders, learn what a healthy relationship looks like—and which behaviours will never work. Take the quiz and click on your answers.
She wants to make out. You tell her you’re on an assignment deadline. What does she say?
A. “I get it. Thank you for taking care of yourself.”
This response is reasonable and respectful. Acknowledge your partner’s support, thanking her for allowing you the space and time you need to finish your work. Then figure out when the two of you can get some sexy time (if you both want it).
B. “Sure, it’s always about you.”
This is a bad sign, if she’s serious, and especially if this is part of a pattern. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for doing the right thing. Having an unsupportive partner might be a red flag. In an unhealthy relationship, “your partner may try to make you feel guilty about spending time on things other than them. This can escalate into isolating you from your family and friends,” says Marni Herskovits, Manager of Direct Services at Yellow Brick House, an anti-violence and domestic abuse organization for women and children in Ontario. “It could involve your partner deleting phone messages and emails to sabotage any activities that do not involve them.”
C. “Is it me? Have I done something?”
Insecurity may be innocent. In that case, let your partner know that it really is about the deadline. Insecurity can also be a red flag, however. “Insecurity can be used as a way to manipulate an intimate partner, to make her or him feel guilty,” says Simon Lapierre, Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of Ottawa, who researches domestic and sexual violence. “In this context, it [could be] a subtle way to force him or her to make out. Busy or not, no one should be forced to make out if they do not want to.”
Why is he reading your texts from other people?
A. “I’m driving. I asked him to.”
You win—twice. You weren’t texting while driving, and you communicated your needs to your partner. In healthy relationships, partners respect each other’s privacy and don’t pry without permission.
B. “He doesn’t like me talking about our relationship with anyone else.”
One in three college students in the US has given their partner their computer, email, or social network password, according to a 2011 poll conducted for Love Is Respect. These students are more likely to experience digital dating abuse (when someone uses technology to stalk, intimidate, or harass another person). Reading your texts without your permission could be a way of controlling whom you talk to. “Abusive people typically try to isolate their partners from their friends and family members. As a result, it is much more difficult to get support or to leave them,” says Simon Lapierre, Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of Ottawa, who researches domestic and sexual violence.
C. “I’m in a coma. He’s letting my friends and family know.”
In a dire emergency, it’s reasonable for your partner to take the initiative.
“If you love me, you’ll do this.” Why is she saying this?
A. She can be manipulative.
This could be a sign of the repeated pressure for sex that can occur in abusive relationships. “Coercion to engage in sexual behaviour that you don’t want to do is a sign of one partner exerting power and control over the other. Furthermore, sexual coercion often goes hand-in-hand with other types of relationship violence,” says Dr. Claire Crooks, Professor of Education at Western University, Ontario, and co-developer of The Fourth R, an evidence-based program for youth on healthy relationships.
B. She asked me to clip her toenails. It was a joke.
If you can find hilarity in toenails, yay.
C. She’s reading aloud from a terrible novel.
[Breathless voices:]
“Why are you doing this to me?” he growled.
Her eyes flashed. “Because I…love you!”
He’s driving and you want him to slow down. Why?
A. We’re approaching a speed trap.
This seems reasonable except that he shouldn’t be speeding in the first place. If he follows your advice and slows down, it sounds like he’s treating you with respect.
B. So we don’t miss our turn.
As long as this doesn’t lead into a fight about each other’s driving abilities, this type of dialogue is part of a healthy relationship.
C. I’m nervous, and he finds that funny.
Why is it that when we tell some people we don’t like something, they think they know better? This can be about the other person’s immaturity; if so, they should grow up and slow down. But sometimes when your partner makes you nervous or uncomfortable, it’s a deliberate power tactic. There’s no excuse for driving recklessly, especially with someone else in the car. If he’s intending to scare and disempower you, this is abusive. “If your partner does things that cause fear and anxiety for you, that’s a red flag,” says Dr. Claire Crooks of Western University. “A healthy relationship is built on trust and respect, not on fear,” says Marni Herskovits of Yellow Brick House.
One minute she’s loving and sweet, the next she’s pulling away and yelling. What’s going on?
A. We’re watching the game. The other team just scored.
Gently point out that it’s not your fault and not a reason to withdraw affection. Such is life.
B. Another misunderstanding. I need to be more careful about how I say things.
Do you always feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Is your partner volatile and always blaming you? If so, this is a red flag. If you can’t ever be sure you’re saying the right thing, reconsider the relationship. “This is a strong indicator that you are experiencing what is known as the cycle of abuse. Relationships experience a period of tension building, followed by an abusive incident (verbal, emotional, or physical), then reconciliation, and finally a period of calm, until tension builds once again and the cycle repeats itself,” says Marni Herskovits of Yellow Brick House. “If you are constantly trying to appease your partner in an effort to avoid ongoing incidents, look for a pattern.”
C. She stepped on a scorpion, or at least a large cockroach.
This is a good example of a fixable problem. Find an exterminator to get rid of the pests. As the pain subsides, your partner should return to her loving self.
He’s upset about your sexual history. What’s going on?
A. I just told him I got an STI.
In healthy relationships, partners appreciate each other’s openness about their sexual health. That said, he is understandably concerned. Check the facts about your STI and discuss it calmly. See 10 FYIs on STIs: Everything you ever (and never) wanted to know (in this issue).
B. I am bisexual. He thinks I’m attracted to everyone.
“A bisexual partner who is in a committed relationship is not necessarily interested in anyone else at the same time—no more so than a heterosexual, gay, or lesbian partner might be,” says Joleen Nevers, a certified sexuality educator at the University of Connecticut. In a healthy relationship, you can discuss expectations and what being bisexual means to you. Bisexuality info
C. He really loses it when he gets jealous. We’re working on that.
“While we all experience jealousy at times, how we handle that jealousy is an indicator of how healthy or unhealthy our relationship may be. If your partner cannot handle feelings of jealousy and ‘loses it,’ this is a red flag,” says Marni Herskovits of Yellow Brick House. “Abusers want to control their partners and see their partners as their property. Patterns can emerge slowly, including commenting on how you dress, where you go, who you see. This level of control over your behaviour increases until you no longer feel safe to make your own life choices.”
She suggests you move in together. What’s the context?
A. We had a fight and she wants to make up.
Over-the-top gestures can be part of a pattern of abuse and making up. “This is an important part of the cycle of abuse,” says Simon Lapierre of the University of Otttawa. “Following an abusive incident, they might say that they are sorry, that they feel guilty, and they might even buy flowers and presents or make other big gestures. There is hope, and change seems possible. But then there is most likely another abusive incident.”
B. We’re in a committed relationship; it’s the natural next step.
If the two of you feel fulfilled in this relationship and agree that it’s the right time to move in together, congratulations.
C. The roof blew off my place. I need somewhere to crash.
Well, nice of her to offer.
He doesn’t want you to wear that outfit. What’s that about?
A. At first he liked this on me. Now he says it’s too flirty.
Sixteen percent of college students reported that their significant other had told them how to dress, according to a 2011 poll conducted for Love Is Respect. This behaviour may be rooted in jealousy and is a warning sign that you may be in a controlling or abusive relationship, according to the Canadian Women’s Foundation. “This behaviour is not about love and care and instead about control. He does not want another person looking at you or flirting with you because he believes you are his possession,” says Simon Lapierre, Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of Ottawa, who researches domestic and sexual violence. “This time the problem is what you are wearing, but soon it will also be where you are going, who you are talking to, who you are looking at, etc. He might even blame you, saying that he has to behave like that because he cannot trust you.”
B. There’s a rip in the seam I hadn’t noticed.
This one’s a keeper.
C. He’s worried I’ll get a sunburn—and he’s probably right.
Ask him to rub sunscreen on you—a water-resistant sunscreen that protects against UVA and UVB rays, with a Sun Protection Factor (SPF) of at least 30 (Canadian Dermatology Association guidelines).
